"I'm divorced." (But it doesn't mean I'm not married!)

I am happy to see that I followed most of the online dating advice you have provided on the site, albeit inadvertently. Luckily, one of my friends (that sails) kept me from getting on a sailboat with a guy that I hadn't met before, telling me that I at least had to meet him and check him out before I got a boat with him.

When we did meet, it all seemed good, and the sailing plan was made. The day before the sail date, Mr. sailor emailed me and said, "Y'know when I said I was divorced? That was true, in the context of my first wife. I failed to convey that I have since remarried." Guess what? That second marriage that he conveniently forgot WASN'T WORKING OUT! Tell me--who's surprised by that fact? Anyway, at least I wasn't in the middle of the Chesapeake Bay when I found out he was married. Ahh, men, gotta love 'em.

“Mediterranean = African American?”

I had been talking to a man on the net for three hours one early evening and it was now 8 pm. He asked me if had eaten dinner yet and I said no. He was from a town 45 minutes from me and suggested we meet at the local Chinese restaurant, which was 3 blocks from my apartment. He had been there several times he said and knew it quite well. At first I hesitated as I didn't know this man at all, but my female friend online at the same time convinced me 'don't be so conservative! It's ONLY dinner!" So I asked him for a pic. He said he had no pic, but he was 5 ft. 10; had black hair and brown eyes and 'looked Mediterranean'. I asked him what he meant by that. He couldn’t or wouldn't answer me.

I told her that this bothered me as my picture was right on my profile. She said I was being 'superficial' and I had always said I wasn't superficial. I reiterated to her I wasn't - I was just being cautious. She said I was being silly as it was 'only dinner'.

I finally said yes and hopped in the shower and got ready. It was a nice spring night so I walked the 3 blocks down to the restaurant getting there before him. I went in and sat in the lobby and waited.

A black man came in with a redheaded woman with a small interracial child. I thought nothing of it. Next in came a black man by himself. I thought - 'this can't be him' and then he said, "Are you Connie?" I said, "yes". It was him alright! There was nothing Mediterranean about him - he was an Afro-American. I am not a prejudiced person, but I am Caucasian and I am not attracted to black men. I can be friends with black people and have been, but to date one is another matter. The fact is this man LIED! He would NOT say he was black and this bothered me. It wouldn't have mattered if he were anything else either - a lie is a lie.

He then kept asking me if I wanted a drink - he finally asked if I would like to share a 'Scorpion bowl' with him. I told him no. It was obvious he was trying to ply me with liquor. I wasn't allowing it. He kept staring at me telling me 'oh my God, you are SOOOOO white and SOOOOO blond! You are gorgeous!' I replied with a nervous 'thank you'. I felt as though he were looking for a trophy and not a person. I was totally turned off by his lie and his behavior. I would have left had the owner not seated us immediately. I quickly wolfed down the quickest thing I could order; stood up; stuck out my hand and said, "thanks for dinner and goodnight."

He THEN insisted that he drive me home - his black Cadillac was right outside. I said no thanks. He hopped in his car and followed me down the street. I ducked between two apartment buildings in an alley. He drove by. I knew he had to go a long way to turn around and by that time I would be home. I nervously looked around - saw that the coast was clear - ran up the next one way street the wrong way for cars and ran in the back of my apartment building never to see him again. I locked the door behind me and put him on ignore.

So ladies, if your first instinct is this guy is hiding something, you can bet he is. If you feel you shouldn't go out with a guy, don't. Your friends may THINK they are helping you overcome your caution and have more fun, but in this case I was right and she was wrong. Go with YOUR instinct and never - EVER date a man with no pic.

"450-Pound Casanova"

I spoke to a guy on the net for over two months on a daily basis. He kept asking me out from the first time we talked but I told him it was too soon.

I asked him if he had a pic and he e-mailed me one. He said he was 5 ft. 10; had dark hair and brown eyes and a moustache. The description matched the pic and I felt satisfied that he was the man in the pic. He said he was '10 to 15 lbs. overweight' but I told him I preferred men to be a bit beefy so that was not a problem or concern of mine.

When he came to the door, he was 5 ft. 10 and weighed close to 450 lbs. He was HUGE! He hadn't shaved; he had greasy hair; he wore a golf shirt that was about 3 sizes too small; he wore pants that hung below his waist exposing his enormous stomach. He could barely make it through my enclosed front porch door! He told me how gorgeous I was and how he 'didn't want to go out now' - he wanted to 'go upstairs and f_ _ _' - I told him point blank no.

I rudely excused myself leaving him on the porch and went to make a phone call to my ex husband's girlfriend as he and I were still platonic friends and I did NOT want to be alone with this man. I was hoping my rude disappearance would make him leave, but no such luck.

My ex's gf said they would love to join us for dinner at the Mexican restaurant I had chosen and they'd meet us there in 15 minutes. I went back on the front porch and explained to him that we had company for dinner - my ex and his girlfriend! His face dropped but he said okay.

The young, very thin hostess ignored my request for a table when he replied, 'a booth please'. He couldn't fit his THIGH into the booth! I then asked again for a table. I pulled out the table as far out as I could so he could fit at it and waited for my ex and his gf to show up, which they did. She kept flirting with him in an attempt to make me angry but I thought it was comical. My ex talked to me and she spoke to him the whole entire dinner. My ex and his gf had had several Margueritas while we, on the other hand, hadn't had any drinks.

So it was strange when the bill came when Mr. Cross between Jabba the Hut and an Italian Buddha grabbed the check and told them, "your share is $25 and I won't take a penny more" when their share was substantially more than that. His gf and I left to go to the lady’s room and let the men argue it out.

While in there, she told me he was 'perfect for me'. I told her he was a creep and I was very turned off! by him. I suggested SHE date him if she liked him so much. She got angry and told me I was 'too judgmental'. When we got back to his van, he said, he couldn't wait to get me alone. I told him I take my time before I make love to a man - that my emotional feelings have to come first and that nothing was going to happen here. He lurched for me and I jumped out of the van and headed into the house as quickly as I could with a quick 'goodnight and thanks'.

The next day I received an e-mail telling me that he was married and sorry he had lied about it but he knew I wouldn't have dated him if I knew the truth. He thought I was terrific and wanted me for his mistress. He would pay all my bills but he wanted, exclusive rights and that he REALLY wanted what he was 'sure was my virgin bum'. I wrote back he was a sicko liar and there was no interest at ALL on my part and goodbye.

"Calendar Guy"
I went on a date with a really handsome man who said he was a model. He told me he worked for clothing catalogues. He told me that he was going away to do a photo-shoot for the weekend, when he got back he asked me if I would like to see his work. He emailed me the photo-proofs, I nearly died, he was posing for a gay porn calendar, very naked indeed. I promptly dumped him and he emailed me saying I was mad to leave him and should be 'grateful' for the attentions of such a, I quote, 'Gorgeous, intelligent man'...I love me who do you love lol.

"Camera Shy"
Asked to send a photo, one guy sent me a photo of himself when he was 18 years old - winning some kind of fitness contest. He was in his forties and he told me he didn’t have any other photos to send me.

"I actually put my hand in my armpit, pulled it out and sniffed it"
So I am a big girl. I am 5 ft 3 and weigh about 180. I do have an hourglass figure so the fat is pretty even distributed. But according to the height weight chats, I am about 6 inches shorter than I should be. Oh well.

So I am searching the personals for guys who mark the “Body size” not important and avoid the “must be petite” ones. So I read this guys ad and he seems to have a good sense of humor. He also states he could stand to lose some weight. I email him and we start an email correspondence. After a few days, we start the phone conversations. He would make me cry, I would laugh so hard.

We agree to meet at a small local coffee place. He said he was driving a Blue BMW convertible. The ones that look like a roller skate got pregnant. Tiny car.

I get there first, order a iced mocha and sat at one of the outside tables as it was a nice day. I see a blue convertible pull up. The door opens and I see the seat lay back. As the guy hefted one leg out, he had to lay the seat back so he could maneuver his belly out from behind the steering wheel.

Ok, I am 40 to 50 lbs overweight, but I was honest about it. This man was 5 ft 9 and weighed in probably about 300 pounds. But ok, my idea of a bit and his idea of a bit may vary.

So I wave at him and over he comes. I felt bad that I had sat outside, because even though it was a mild day and there was an umbrella, he was soon sweating like a donkey. And the charm, wit and humor he had on the phone was… gone.

He mumbled, and fidgeted but kept looking at me like I was a glass of water and he was on the tail end of a long walk through the desert. So I did it. I am so ashamed of myself, but in retrospect, what else could I do. I was sure every other blind date had coldly dumped him. And I knew he was a nice guy, just not the guy for me.

I deliberately setout to gross him out. I started to laugh too loud at the unfunny things he said. And then, and I can barely type this… I actually put my hand in my armpit, pulled it out and sniffed it.

I then started telling him this story I had heard on the radio this morning about this guy that for the last 15 years or so, had been stealing his neighbors underwear. Turns out he did it just every so often so no-one really suspected anything. But one neighbor had bought a set of very expensive panties and was very upset to have lost them. She then thought about over the years, how she had lost panties and started to talk to her other neighbor friends. They had all too lost panties

So they set a trap. And forgetting the for details now, they caught the guy. Seems he liked to get them from the hamper and in his basement, he had over 300 pairs of soiled panties.

I was laughing and snorting and I think I even scratched myself a time or during the telling of this tale. The poor man got redder and redder. Sweatier and sweatier. He then suddenly blurted out that he just remembered he needed to be somewhere else and took off.

I then heard clapping from behind me. I slowly turned around. The two ladies sitting behind me were wiping tears from their faces from laughing so hard. They knew exactly what I had done. I bowed slightly, grinned and went home.

To this day, I am sure I am his dating horror story. But in his mind, he dumped me and that I can live with, for nice guys , however overweight they may be, deserve to do the dumping sometimes.