So I am a big girl. I am 5 ft 3 and weigh about 180. I do have an hourglass figure so the fat is pretty even distributed. But according to the height weight chats, I am about 6 inches shorter than I should be. Oh well.
So I am searching the personals for guys who mark the “Body size” not important and avoid the “must be petite” ones. So I read this guys ad and he seems to have a good sense of humor. He also states he could stand to lose some weight. I email him and we start an email correspondence. After a few days, we start the phone conversations. He would make me cry, I would laugh so hard.
We agree to meet at a small local coffee place. He said he was driving a Blue BMW convertible. The ones that look like a roller skate got pregnant. Tiny car.
I get there first, order a iced mocha and sat at one of the outside tables as it was a nice day. I see a blue convertible pull up. The door opens and I see the seat lay back. As the guy hefted one leg out, he had to lay the seat back so he could maneuver his belly out from behind the steering wheel.
Ok, I am 40 to 50 lbs overweight, but I was honest about it. This man was 5 ft 9 and weighed in probably about 300 pounds. But ok, my idea of a bit and his idea of a bit may vary.
So I wave at him and over he comes. I felt bad that I had sat outside, because even though it was a mild day and there was an umbrella, he was soon sweating like a donkey. And the charm, wit and humor he had on the phone was… gone.
He mumbled, and fidgeted but kept looking at me like I was a glass of water and he was on the tail end of a long walk through the desert. So I did it. I am so ashamed of myself, but in retrospect, what else could I do. I was sure every other blind date had coldly dumped him. And I knew he was a nice guy, just not the guy for me.
I deliberately setout to gross him out. I started to laugh too loud at the unfunny things he said. And then, and I can barely type this… I actually put my hand in my armpit, pulled it out and sniffed it.
I then started telling him this story I had heard on the radio this morning about this guy that for the last 15 years or so, had been stealing his neighbors underwear. Turns out he did it just every so often so no-one really suspected anything. But one neighbor had bought a set of very expensive panties and was very upset to have lost them. She then thought about over the years, how she had lost panties and started to talk to her other neighbor friends. They had all too lost panties
So they set a trap. And forgetting the for details now, they caught the guy. Seems he liked to get them from the hamper and in his basement, he had over 300 pairs of soiled panties.
I was laughing and snorting and I think I even scratched myself a time or during the telling of this tale. The poor man got redder and redder. Sweatier and sweatier. He then suddenly blurted out that he just remembered he needed to be somewhere else and took off.
I then heard clapping from behind me. I slowly turned around. The two ladies sitting behind me were wiping tears from their faces from laughing so hard. They knew exactly what I had done. I bowed slightly, grinned and went home.
To this day, I am sure I am his dating horror story. But in his mind, he dumped me and that I can live with, for nice guys , however overweight they may be, deserve to do the dumping sometimes.